Nov 2, 2015

The past few weeks I have just not been feeling myself and I have had no idea why or what was going on. I’ve been waking up in the morning instantly feeling anxious and just not wanting to get out of bed. At night when my baby and husband have gone to bed I’ve been staying up really late, avoiding going to bed, regardless of how tired I’ve felt.  I haven’t wanted to move my body much and have barely touched my yoga mat and have completely stopped meditating or journalling.I’m still functioning well in work and as a mother thankfully.  Still showing up and being responsible.  Still doing a good job I feel.  But deep inside me I’ve been going through the motions and whenever I have been alone I have felt it.  Such an un-comfortability, a feeling of sadness, emptiness and loss and I’ve had no idea what it’s been about and up till now no real desire to investigate it either.I cannot lie, it’s been really tough and uncomfortable.  Luckily, despite my resistance, I decided to talk about it honestly with a really good trusted friend.  I told her everything that I had been feeling and what had been going on and thankfully, in the process of telling her everything, it hit me and I could see exactly what it was.Fear.I am feeling terrified and there is a huge part of me that just didn’t want to keep moving forward because moving forward means stepping more and more into the unknown. And that feels really scary.Over the past few months so much has been changing for me and it has and is both incredibly amazing and exciting.  Everything about this year for me so far has been about me finding my own voice and beginning to find the courage to openly share it and express myself to the world.  It has been a step by step process of reaching for new goals and overcoming fears.  I’ve achieved things over the past year that I had no idea I was capable of a few years ago and over the past month so many exciting projects, opportunities and possibilities are manifesting, that I only dreamed about a year ago, which i can’t quite share with you just yet, but I promise I will as soon as I can.  All in all it has been and is amazing and I couldn’t have asked for more.  I am stepping into the light and it is more terrifying for me then I ever could have imagined!Do any of you every experience this?  Fear of fulfilling your dreams rather than failing them?  Fear of actually becoming the person you always dreamed?  Fear of letting go of all the struggles, drama and lack and step into a stage in your life where you are fulfilled, joyful and free?I do.  It almost feels like the more I step towards this place the less I recognise myself and the more it all feels like the complete unknown.  Like I’m jumping off a cliff, knowing that it is the right thing to do but not being 100% sure where or how I’ll land and even if I’ll make it.A teacher once said to me many years ago that awareness was the first step to change and I so often have found this to be true.  Awareness then acceptance then action! Having the awareness how I’m feeling right now has already made a difference.  Now I can move towards accepting it. Maybe I can just be with it without having to change it, judge it or make it wrong.  I realise that it is ok to have weeks like this when the fear grips me.  That it is ok to not be strong, held together and on top of it all the time.  I also realise that feeling fear about the unknown is ok too.  This too shall pass.  I know I am not alone.  I can be compassionate towards myself and honour the part of me that feels frightened.  I can also be with the fear and continue to keep moving forward one day at a time.  Maybe when it grips me a lot I can continue one moment at a time or even one second at a time.Fear is a really natural (and can be very useful) human emotion and instinct and every single one of us experiences it at some point in our lives, weeks, days.  I’ve always loved the very well known quote ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway” but I also believe that the fear is likely to be there for a reason and that it is important to listen to it.  It may be that we feel so vulnerable about a situation, and so will need to take it a little more gently and slowly for a period of time.  For me this is the case.  I don’t want to just tell myself “Hey, you’re frightened, fine, but just get on with it anyway” that doesn’t feel loving to me.If my daughter came to me saying she was feeling scared to do something I would not force her to do it.  I would give her time, I would comfort her, assure her and then maybe gently guide her slowly to trying it once again – and it may be that she needs it to be very slowly.This is how I would like to treat myself this week.  Gently listening, encouraging and assuring myself and at the same time slowly guiding myself to take actions that would be loving and beneficial to me to help the fear move through me and eventually pass.We are all human beings, imperfect, beautiful, alive, feeling human beings.  And each and every one of us has the ability to step into the light and live a truly empowered fulfilled life.  We all have the ability to truly fulfil our dreams.  The only thing stopping us is fear.So if you, like me, feel fear about fully going for your dreams and actually feel more scared about fulfilling them over failing, then I hope this weekly reflection has been useful for you.Here are some tools that really help me when I need to help fear move so that I no longer stay stuck and can keep moving forward.  I will be following my own advice this week and following them as best I can. I hope they may be useful for you too:

1. At least 30min of bodywork daily

Even if it is just stretching on my yoga matt or deep breathing.  Try and make a commitment to doing some kind of movement every day and let it be just as important as everything else.

2. Meditation

Even if it is just for 10min each day.  Sit with yourself and breath. Allow yourself to drop into your body and feel the resistance and fear that may be there.  Just breathe.  There is nothing else you need to do here.  Just be with it.

3. Sharing my feelings with friends and family that I trust

The more I keep it inside the more the feeling gets stuck in my body. Sharing and talking about it with others moves the energy and helps it to pass through.

4. Journalling

Spending some time each day to check in with myself and write anythings that I’m feeling, insights I’m having etc etc.  Or even just to write “I’m terrified” a hundred times on a page.  It will move energy and it is useful.  Maybe write down what your dream is, keep writing about it so much that you can taste it, feel it, as if it is reality. This can move energy too but also get your excited and inspired again.

5. Eating well and nourishing myself with loving food

This is important.  Treat yourself with love by nourishing yourself lovingly.  This may look different for each one of us but listen to your own body and it will tell you what it needs.

6. Take things one day at a time

If I think about the whole week or weeks ahead It feels too much.  If all I need to do is get my head on my pillow tonight without letting my fear overcome me then that seems reachable.

7. Ask for help if I need to

Again, trying to do everything on my own only keeps me stuck.  Asking for help when I need it can be very…. helpful!

8. And if all else fails be loving and TRUST!

If we have not been able to do any of the above, it’s ok, we can forgive ourselves, love ourself and be compassionate.  We can start a knew 24 hours at any moment of the day.  Trust in life, trust in spirit, trust that something bigger is supporting me and helping me.  Then take the next best action.I hope this has been helpful for you.  As usual it has been very helpful for me too.  I want to wish you all a beautiful magical week.  If you are also struggling with fear too then sending you a really big hug.  Please remember that this too shall pass, you are beautiful, be loving with yourself and trust that all will be well.  You deserve to fulfil your dreams.  It’s ok to go for it and let it happen.Love Nx

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