Breaking Through Blocks And Fulfilling Dreams

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be?

- Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles

January. The month of new beginnings.

A new year, new energy and a clean blank canvas of space before us where we could literally create anything. Filled with so much possibility and all so exciting.

But with this can come a lot of pressure, fear and anxiety to try and achieve something amazing. To try and make things happen better than the year before. To be better, look better and feel better than ever…

Such an interesting month isn’t it? Filled with both sides of the coin. The YIN and and YANG. A teacher once taught me that with every front…there is always a back.

This start of 2017 for me has been pretty interesting.

From the minute I opened my laptop, it has been full steam ahead. So much positive energy coming from all angles and pretty much anything I’ve waited to achieve and create I have been getting yes’s all the way. I have to admit it has felt both utterly exhilarating and totally overwhelming in equal measure.

On top of all this excitement, I have also started taking really good care of myself again. And I mean properly! Exercising regularly, I’m back on my yoga mat and eating really nourishing foods. Returning to my trusted daily practices that nourish my mind, body and soul like nothing else. Meditation, journalling, bodywork and food. This is the first time since my miscarriage last October that I have actually wanted to take such good care of myself and it feels truly wonderful.

Now I promise you, I am not writing this to boast to you all the GREAT things that are happening for me already in 2017. There is a point to this story….an important one, so please bare with me.

So here I am…Felling great! Everything going better than ever…And then I hit the weekend.

I could feel it creeping in already on Friday. I can only describe it as sludge! This sludgy, negative energy creeping through me. Starts off with my thoughts. I can’t be bothered to get out of bed, I can’t be bothered to work, I can’t be bothered today. And then it effects me physically. I feel tired, heavy, sludgy and stuck.

How could I have gone from this go getting ‘Yes’ girl to this sludgy, can’t be bothered, exhausted person in the space of 24 hours? By Sat & Sunday it gets worse. I feel raw, vulnerable and totally emotional. Sad, grumpy and almost like I’m walking around naked. Exposed. I feel this overwhelming desire to hide and my head is now full of the same old horrible messages from my past.

I’m not good enough. I’m not worthy. I’m not loveable.

It ends with me on the sofa on Sunday night not wanting to go to bed with the MOST enormous desire to binge on food (which I haven’t done in literally years) and watching friends on loop till 1am. It is around this moment that I see myself and I clock it!

“Hey Nicky, what is up with you? If you binge now, you will sabotage your entire week ahead. What is going on?”

I manage to drag myself to bed, unharmed and set the alarm for 6am, vowing that I was going to get to the bottom of this! The next morning, I wake up early as planned and get out my journal and start writing. What is going on? Why do I want to hide, escape and sabotage all the goodness.

And it becomes pretty clear very quickly. I am terrified. Terrified of being seen. Terrified of being successful. Terrified of actually achieving my dreams!

How can this be? How can I be more comfortable with being stuck than I am of actually being successful?

It’s such an interesting thing isn’t it? We wish and wish and wish for all this good stuff and when it actually comes we freak out and push it away. Why are we so afraid to shine? To be the most beautiful shining lights that every single one of us is. Why are we so terrified to be that person that actually stands in her power and achieves her dreams?

For me it comes down to one thing. TRUST.

Do I trust myself enough to let myself fly? Will I crash, will I fall, will I be destroyed? And what happens if I am ACTUALLY seen? Will they laugh at me, will they point, will they judge? So much fear and none of it attached to reality.

Trust is the exact opposite to fear.

The more we can trust in ourselves….to take good care of ourselves the more we can let go and let things happen. The more we can trust that we deserve utter love and goodness, the more we can let go and let things in.

In my journal to myself that morning, I wrote myself a letter…A love letter. Assuring myself that I was here…I said everything I needed to hear to feel safe, to feel secure and to feel loved and cared for. And you know what…the fear started to pass.

I then meditated and connected with spirit to feel the immense love and care from such a bigger nourishing force. I got up, ate a great breakfast, did some exercise and I’m now back to my normal self again. Thankfully unharmed and with everything in tact. Every single one of us has such immense power within us and every single one of us is born to shine. Some in more subtle ways and others in more overt ways. But we are all light and we are all worthy of love and goodness.

So…as we start this year, with most of us creating new intentions, aiming to start more positive habits…I write this piece for you. If you too, like me, find your fear creeping in, wanting to sabotage and destroy the goodness. Watch it, see it and own it. It is not bad. You are not bad. You are frightened.

And what does anyone need when they are frightened? Reassurance, love and care.

So I write this for you and share myself with you. Because we are not alone. We are in this together. And we are ALL human.

Remember what Marianne Williamson said: “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually who are you not to be?”

Sending you all enormous love and wishing you a Happy Abundant and Shining 2017.

Here are a few tools that I use to help me through times of fear:
1. Journalling
Write it all down. Ask yourself in your journal what is causing the block and let yourself write whatever the truth really is. Let it all out in this private sacred space for you to express yourself freely.
2. Write yourself a love letter
Write yourself everything you need to hear right now.  Imagine if a child or your child came to you terrified… what would you say to her to comfort her? This is what you need to hear from you.
3. Meditation
Sit, breathe, pray, meditate and connect with the bigger beautiful spirit that loves you and has your back!
4. Put it in a god box!
Dedicate a special box to your God Box.  And write all your fears on a piece of paper and fold it up and put it in your God Box. And everything in your God Box is in the hands of your higher spirit, then consciously ‘Hand it Over’ and trust and let go!
5. Cook yourself something beautiful
Nourishment comes from the inside out.  Feeding yourself something loving, nourishing and healthy is an act of self-care and self-love. You will feel loved and nourished after.
6. Move your body!
Fear gets stuck in the body so try and do something to move it – whether it is gentle or vigorous.  Whatever you feel like or can bear to convince yourself to do.  And if you really are terrified and just can’t move, try and go for a walk in nature at best.  And if all else fails, give yourself a hug and tell yourself it’s ok.

Above all else…. remember that This too shall pass.  It always does! xxx

Love Nx

2 Comments
  • Alexandra

    February 7, 2017 at 8:13 pm Reply

    Thank you Nicky for sharing this with us and for exposing your vulnerability so we can learn from your experience. I loved the quote you shared!
    It’s funny how things seem to point me in only one direction today, since I decided yesterday that I will work again towards my dreams. So many signs out there, that I know it’s no coincidence. I must believe in myself and allow myself to reach my goals because I deserve it. I can do it, and i will do it!
    Thanks again for all you posts. I just signed for your newsletter and I wish you again all the best for this year! (I am melimelostudio on IG)

    • nicky

      February 12, 2017 at 9:30 pm Reply

      Alexandra thank you so much for such a beautiful comment. So much love to you xx

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